From Thorns to Fruit
As I have gotten older, I have become an even stronger believer that God uses everything. You’ve probably heard that said in life, but I have seen it, first hand, ring to be true. While we may not see what God is doing right in the moment or see the purpose, God has it. He sees it from start to finish, with every detail in hand. He has set everything into motion with a purpose and plan.
28 “And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”
Romans 8:28 NLT
Here on this earth, we come to face many hardships, some harder than others. Grief is one of those hardships that we will face at some point in time in our lives. When we encounter challenges, it’s not easy to immediately see what God is doing and trust Him. Our eyes tend to see the thorns around us, while He is preparing fruit. From personal experience I am guilty of this, but I have also seen the fruit come forth from my Father’s hand.
Initially when my mother passed, I didn’t see what God had in place for the loss. Leading up to her death, watching all that happened in the journey, I was faced with such heavy confusion. I had asked God the “why” question, wondering what good could ever come out of this. His answer that fell upon my ears was to “wait and seek”. This was not an answer that I wanted to hear nor would most people. But still I held to a promise that something would come from it, even if it required waiting.
During this time, the image of a farmer and his crop stuck with me. Like a farmer, our God sows into a crop, knowing what is planted and when harvest will arrive. Those that pass by the crop may not be able to see what is planted, or know when it will come forth. This mental image is the way that life with God is. He has sowed purpose into us and every event in our life. He is in control of the harvest that comes from it, but we are in control of how we respond to the crop.
During my mom’s battle with cancer, we didn’t speak about the event of “after death”. At her request and by her example, we tried to keep things in high spirits. When we were with her, we spoke about “when she was well again”. There were no talks of if she shouldn’t make it or saying goodbye really. The only thing that she did talk about is the fact that the Lord held her and the future in His hands. While our spirits may have been low in private, we kept things going for her, and in a way for ourselves.
So when the day came that she passed, we were left to plan things without her. I quickly stepped into the role of woman of the house and helped to plan a celebration of her life. Honestly looking back today, things are kind of a blur… it’s like auto-pilot kicked in and took over in me. I fully believe that is something of God’s hand as He knew I would be a wreck without Him. But one thing I do remember was writing a eulogy of my sweet mother. I didn’t think I’d have to do that for a very long time. So as I sat down to put words together, my mind went to two things:
1) My mother (who was my school teacher) never taught me how to write a eulogy.
2) What would my mother say at her own funeral?
Silly thoughts, I know.
But I wanted to honor her with my words and also honor the Lord that held her.
While I spoke about my mother and her life, I closed my words with ones that she often spoke over us as her children. I knew that my mother would have wanted me to point people towards Jesus, not towards her. I also saw an opportunity to share with everyone that would be sitting in the service before me. I did not know what would be sown in that moment, or what could come from this event. But the Lord had a plan, some of which was evident that very day and more to come later.
Standing before friends & family, I shared how my mother prayed fervently for those around her. Reading aloud the “Blessing Prayer” that she would speak over us as children:
24 “May the Lord bless you
and protect you.
25 May the Lord smile on you
and be gracious to you.
26 May the Lord show you his favor
and give you his peace.”
Numbers 6:24-26 NLT
My mother would receive a name upon her heart from the Lord and speak their name aloud, covering them in prayer. She made a consistent habit to pray daily for people that she knew. I wanted this to be shared and carried on.
My family harped on sharing the message of Jesus and the love we had experienced from Him. At the end of the service, there was a sweet time to show interest in the message and ask God to enter your life. During this time, God moved and several raised their hands to be a part of this movement. This was a glimpse of what God wanted to do with this hardship.
Now, by no means am I saying that this work was the act of my words or my family’s. This beautiful harvest was by the hand of God, stirring in people’s hearts. We were but a mere catalyst for His work that He had planned for that day. By the blessing of obedience and hearing His voice, we were able to see the fruit of His hand. This was just the start of God’s handiwork that He would bring through the season of grief. He wanted to work in more than those just around me, He wanted my heart too.
Grief
/ɡrēf/[noun]:Deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death.
I used the term “season” with a purpose as that is what grief is. That deep sorrow can last for a season in which each person has their own timeline of how long that season may last. But also, we are in control of how we handle this season.
When I first experienced “grief”, my mom hadn’t even passed away yet. Her heart still beat, lungs still had breath, but the mother that I once knew had faded due to her cancer. While she clung to be herself through it all, the illness had chipped away at her earthly self. Watching someone you love go through all that she did seemed to chip away at me as well. I started to grieve over the “loss” of my mother before she was fully gone. Then when she passed I thought that I had just walked completely into a room labeled “grief” and locked the door behind me.
I had heard people talk about dealing with grief for the remainder of their lives and daily walking in it. They made it seem like it was something that you would wear upon you every day. It was like a ring that was worn upon my finger, proclaiming that I was committed to grief.
I joined grief groups, ordered and read books about grief, all filled with people that too, had became one with their grief and took its name. My eyes watched people around me do the same, even those that I knew ahead of me on the path of grief. Soon I had begun to accept that I was attached to chain of grief. Little did I know, God’s plan wasn’t for me to live in this locked room.
Earlier I said that the Lord had told me to “wait and seek” when I asked what good could come from the heartbreak. The word “seek” was not a typo for “see”, but had a purpose. God didn’t just want to show me things, He wanted me to seek Him in this season. I needed to want to find rest and healing in His arms. This would be something that I would have to learn over time.
The summer that I moved to Virginia through the fall was a growing time. Since there was much change all at once, I didn’t seem to have time to process everything. After my mom passed, I felt like I was in a constant marathon. Trying to not sit in one place too long so I didn’t have to face the emotions churning inside. I didn’t want to be left in silence or be alone with myself. The Lord knew this and knew that I needed to be uncomfortable in order for harvest to come. So with a lot of tugging on her heart, a 19 year old girl, left her family and moved to Virginia. God had lined up everything for me to move states within a matter of 24 hrs. My job was confirmed before I had a place to live. Seven hours after I accepted the job, I found a place to live and had everything set up. I watched God’s hand orchestrate everything together in harmony and I knew this was a part of His plan.
May 14th of 2022, I officially moved to Lynchburg, Virginia and started my job. One thing that I didn’t realize was the amount of alone time I’d have over the summer. With friends being home for the summer, my family still in North Carolina, and being an out-of-towner, I had nobody; or at least that’s how I felt. Every day off or evening, I’d come home to an empty apartment with no plans. This forced me to be faced with the idea of silence and being alone with myself. The funny thing about silence is how loud it can really get. I remember sitting in my room, no music or show in the background, no noise from neighbors or outside. But the sound from inside me was almost deafening. I was left in an uncomfortable place without the usual comforts that I’d turn to.
One day, after wrestling with this discomfort, I talked to my dear friend back home. I had opened up to her about how the silence was so loud and how I wanted to not be alone in it. She said to me something that stuck with me… “What if you need to be uncomfortable in the silence to face what’s struggling inside and meet Jesus in it?”.
In that moment, I was faced with the fact that I had been stuffing the grief down and running from the healing the Lord had. The silent summer had a greater purpose than I thought. I only saw 3 months as a big countdown until artificial comfort returned to my life. God saw the summer as a chance for intimacy with His hurting daughter. He knew that I had created such dependency on others for comfort. He also knew that I had chosen to swallow grief and accept my life as it was. So with my brokenness in mind, God placed me in a season of vulnerability and discomfort to meet me. On this broken ground, God met me with loving arms, that were so much more comforting than I could find on Earth. My heart and mind had to rewire to turn to God for my comfort and healing.
The groups, books, and other people in grief could not heal what was broken nor satisfy my needs. In reality, these things were only distractions from what my heart was craving. I needed to stop running, just surviving, and embrace my Father. While it hurt to process my grief, emotions, and be vulnerable, the peace that accompanied the silence now was worth it.
Then there are the frequently asked questions:
What happened next? How are you now?
Recently I have had a few friends reach out to me due to loss in their lives. They said they wanted to know how I coped with my grief and how to get through it. Initially, I was at a loss for words or advice for my friends… remembering the brokenness that accompanies the grief and thinking of their hearts. My first thought was “what do I say to people going through grief when I am still going through it?”.
Pause there.
Let me remind us what defines grief-
Grief
/ɡrēf/[noun]:Deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone's death.
Now, resume-
There are days that I still face that are challenging with fluttering memories, but I do not live in deep sorrow.
While I think of my mom daily, her impact on me, and wish that I could live life with her by my side, I am no longer bound to the locked room.
Grief is not something that I wear on my finger with commitment or carry as a burden. It has become an experience that I carry in my “toolbox” as a tool to connect to others that walk the same path. So I rewrite my question from before- “How am I able to say that I am no longer bound to grief?”.
The answer is actually quite simple- Jesus.
I can confidently say that the only way that I am where I am today, and who I am, is because of my Heavenly Father. He knew from the start, that the grief I faced would equip me to face hard things, and to walk alongside those that shared my experience. Now, let it be known that I do still have spouts of sadness! On Earth there will always be sadness, but our God is one of joy! He does not wish for us to walk our days on earth in despare and sorrow.
11 “You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing.
You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy,
12 that I might sing praises to you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!”
Psalm 30:11-12 NLT
The Lord has brought me and continues to bring me comfort and healing. Even in the past 6 months, I have seen Him stirring inside of my heart. I know that with Him, I am able to live a life of joy and happiness. What a weight that has been lifted, knowing that I am not alone in this and that good harvest is coming forth. The Lord is bringing forth such bountiful growth in His crops and I know more is to come. As I said in the beginning, God works everything out for good. I am living and walking proof of His hands.
So this is where I am today…
I am still walking forward on the path the Lord has placed me, listening to His voice, seeing Him work every day, and saying “yes” to His gifts, even if they seem uncomfortable. The practice of obedience and readiness is something I am seeing heavily in my life. Being ready to move and speak when He says, then watching His hands move. What a beautiful and fulfilling thing to be a part of. I am seeing healing in my life and those around me, the fruit of His crop.
For those that have struggled or are still struggling with grief-
You are not alone. These four words, I am sure that you have heard said before. But I want to say it again for you to hear and let it sink deep within you. While the Lord provides earthly comfort and people to surround you, He is your ultimate comforter. I have not encountered a greater, more sufficient, or kinder love than His. Through Him, I have found a supernatural peace that overcomes the grief that once reigned in my life. Through Him, I have found hope, joy, happiness, and a new passion for life. What I once thought that I had lost forever when the door closed, I have found in Him.
So dear one, if you are reading this and connect to my experience in some way… you are not alone.
The ultimate Father that knit us together in our mother’s womb, who watched His own Son die (of course Jesus rose again, but the symbol of Him understanding loss is there), who understands grief… He is here. He has always been here, even if you didn’t know it. He is there in the tears. He is there in the deafening silence. Let Him be your comfort in your vulnerability. Maybe it takes you being put in an uncomfortable place, or facing the feelings you’ve run from. But you do not need to run any longer. You are meant to not just survive this life, but thrive in it.
Let Him restore your joy.
This is my story so far and I am so thankful for each and every part of it. Beauty has been brought from the ashes, joy restored, and healing in progress. This is my testament of His glory, power, and love.
Praise Jesus.
Love,
Alayna Joy <3
P.s. I also want to thank everyone that has been by my side as well as my family’s. Each of you have been a blessing in my life. God created the idea of community with such beautiful purpose for us. Having people to walk alongside you in the valley but also to have them there at the mountain top to rejoice. I am beyond grateful for the people that God blessed me with. No matter if you have been here long or not, each of you have acted in God’s plan.
Special thanks to my dear friend, Micah, for walking so close to me during it all. AND for also encouraging me to share this with others. You have spoken life and love into me. Thank you for hearing the Lord’s voice and letting Him speak through you.
I am so thankful to have a friend like you to walk in life with.
Thank you also to my boyfriend, Mike, for helping me to adjust my perspective on my experience of grief. You entered my life with a fresh view and have been such an encouragement. You also remind me to turn towards the Lord when rough days hit. Thank you for speaking into my life and supporting me in a Godly way. I am so grateful to have you a part of this life.
I love you both dearly.